motherhood

I had such a naive, skewed vision of motherhood when I was a child, babysitting other people's children, dreaming of the day that I would one day have my own 10 kids... live in my mansion with my own personal gymnastics gym in the basement and everything would be flowers and sunshine.  Everyone would love each other and smile, be polite and get along, because, of course, that was due to proper mothering...right?  All the other moms just didn't know...but I did....hehehehe.

Seven and a half years ago I gave birth to my oldest daughter....

since then I have birthed two sons and another daughter....

I have a new vision and opinion of motherhood...

*Staying awake all night to soothe and calm a crying baby.
*Packing 3 children into a tiny room and being excited for them because it's like a "slumber party." You know, the kind you don't experience in mansions where you don't even know if everyone's home or not because it might take half the day to find them. 
*Washing vomit off of little feverish, shaking bodies and not even noticing the smell because your heart is bursting with love and concern for their well being.
*Then once they're calm and sleeping again, washing countless loads of laundry, scrubbing the furniture and carpet.
*Praying through your sobs and tears that Heavenly Father will spare the life of your child.
*Accepting it and letting go when He doesn't.
*Holding a screaming, flailing child while you wait for the ambulance to arrive.
*Praying again through sobs and tears that He will spare the life of another one of your children.
*Holding that child for hours and hours, never wanting to leave their side...truly recognizing the miracle and gift that they're still alive.  

The list could go on and on...  The things that no parent wishes for or looks forward to... the things we all hope will quickly pass and be few and far between... the hard, laborious, exhausting and heartbreaking things... The things that I would never wish for again but am grateful for because they are the things that were powerful enough to change my heart...

MOTHERHOOD has changed my heart in ways I never thought possible.  It makes me more grateful for the small things and patient with the mundane.  I don't mind the screaming and fighting, the messes and never-ending laundry and dishes, the toothpaste on the counter and hand prints on the mirrors and windows....and the list could go on and on...

I have a new vision and opinion of motherhood...

And it's not so much anymore about what I am going to have but what I'm able to give... no sacrifice is too great, no task too demanding, no pain too excruciating, no night too exhausting for a mother's love.

I am a mother.

My children surround me.

My heart is full.