How does it feel to be told you CANNOT be on bedrest?

relieving, exhausting, overwhelming... all at the same time.

So what does it mean, really?

Everything's still the same... all the same risks, all the same problems... just that being on bed rest is potentially more life threatening to me than not being on bed rest. doesn't that sound nice? The veins in my leg are so bad that just resting for a day and a half brought on what we are hoping is just an infection in one of my veins and not a clot. The pain from it makes it difficult to walk...pretty bad alone, but on top of everything else... can anyone say scream, cry, throw up and pass out all at the same time??

I have felt very calm in my heart all along about this baby. I feel she will be just fine. I know she's Heavenly Father's daughter, and he is watching over her. My biggest fear has been developing a blood clot and all the repercussions that come with that... complications it adds to delivery, the threat it is to my life and also my baby's. not to mention the way it may alter the rest of my life. I have done everything I can to try and prevent this situation throughout this pregnancy... so no matter how exhausted or awful I feel, I still force myself to get those impossible hose on each day and get out of bed, no matter how painful... and get moving.

maybe you can imagine my anxiety over being put on bed rest? So, here I am hobbling around the house... trying to keep my blood flowing through the contractions and the pain in my leg, the exhaustion and nausea... just keep moving, moving, moving... and whether it puts me into labor, or brings on my pre-eclampsia necessary for induction... chances are this little girl is coming soon, and we're praying I last until then and that by then, she'll be just fine.

a long 24 hours

well, more like a long last few days.

I started feeling really sick and experiencing a lot of abdominal pain starting Thursday morning this week. I finally went into the doctor's office later that afternoon and the only conclusion that we came to was that I was experiencing early labor, but it wasn't causing me to dilate or progress in anyway toward birth, so not to worry about it too much unless it got worse. Thursday was shot. I was exhausted from all of the pain. Friday was a little better and by Saturday morning, I felt almost back to my usual pregnant self. However, Saturday night, it hit again, and this time harder than the first. I thought I was just sick... like with a stomach ache, and tried walking around the block, soaking in warm bath, curling up in a little ball on my knees and elbows... nothing seemed to provide much if any relief. After about 5 hours, the pain became so intense that I started vomiting. I vomited for a couple of hours until there was nothing left to vomit. Finally we decided to head into the OB triage to see what was going on. I was thinking... maybe food poisoning? Maybe the flu? Who would have guessed... LABOR... contractions every 3 minutes. So, that's what that pain was! The only odd thing about it is that it wasn't making me progress. So, after an bag of saline through the IV, a shot of Tribultylene and a shot of zofran, I was on my way home again...just as the sun came up... still in a lot of pain, but a little more relaxed to where I could actually give into the exhaustion and sleep for a couple of hours. My relief was short lived because at 8 am, it all started again. This prodromal labor, as they call it comes on so suddenly and so strong! And the worst part, there's no relief. At least if it was real labor and I was progressing and getting ready to deliver, there would be an end in sight, and options for pain management... like... EPIDURAL! but not with this vicious attack. The nurse described my next couple of weeks to a month that I have to look forward to as "you feel like you just want to murder someone, but there's nothing we can do about it." great. The rest of my day has been a fog.

I'm trying to keep an optimistic perspective. I remember when I was so sick with morning sickness that I was shaking and couldn't get out of bed, I thought... I can't do this for another 10 plus weeks... like I did with Noah. But I survived, and it didn't last as long as I was worried about. At that point I still had 32 weeks to go. Now I have 4 1/2 or less. perspective. and knowing that the end result will be the sweetest baby girl I can imagine in my arms makes it all worth it.

such a character!

Ethan is such a character! He always keeps us on our toes and giggling. Today he was making thank you cards for all of his friends that came to his Batman birthday party... He wanted to write BATMAN on all of the cards...

Me: "I'll show you how to write it..."

Ethan: feeling like he doesn't need mom's help... he already knows... "Is it P-R-A-N-C?"

um. no.

mommy of the year award... right here!

nothing could be farther from the truth.

disclaimer: not for the weak stomachs...

SO... we bought a minivan... yup! We finally took the plunge. We love it. It's a wonderful van and everything we were hoping for... just hard to stomach such a big loan... but no matter how we'd try... there's no way we can fit our 4th child into our 5 passenger sedan. no.can.do.

The van is beautiful... big, but beautiful and although, might i say, it's big... it drives just like a car AND is definitely not as intimidating as driving my in-laws giant SUV... that sealed the deal for me on a minivan. :)

SO... you're wondering about the "weak stomach" part?

well, Everything inside and out on that van is pristine... that's what you get, AND what you pay for when you buy a used car from a dealer... all but one part... there's something sticky inside one of the door pockets... too deep to see but you'll find it if you stick your hand in there and rummage around...
AND...
I did.

Well... turns out it wasn't just a small little melted gummy bear or fruit snack... I have no idea what it was, actually, has the consistency of gum and the smell of gum, but looks more like a fruit snack or gummy bear... I have scrubbed and scrubbed, dug and peeled, and haven't gotten it all out yet...
Since I was washing my rags at the same time, I thought I'd give it a whirl and throw add it to the wash. WELL... long story short, I got some big chunks off and didn't want to rinse them down the bathroom sink... so I found a small disposable plastic cup out on the counter... the ones the kids use when they are brushing their teeth or want a quick drink... and i just tossed the gross chunk of blue in there...

I'm sure you can guess what happened...

yup.

I forgot to throw it out.

came across the same cup and chunk in the bathroom hours later... this time with water remnants in it... much to my horror, my sweet Catherine unknowingly took a drink from "mom's yucky cup" as Ethan would call it.

"Catherine did it, mom. Not me. I promise."

I apologized over and over again and decided we needed to say a prayer to ask Heavenly Father to protect Catherine from whatever disgusting goo she ingested.

Ethan to the rescue! He wanted to say the prayer:

"...please bless Catherine to not get sick from the yucky cup that she drank... And please bless Catherine not to drink out of Mommy's yucky cup anymore... and please bless us to be quiet while Noah's sleeping..."

Mother of the Year AWARD: goes to anyone who wants to buy someone's car and pull their unidentifiable sticky melted mess out of the door, throw it in a cup and give it to their 5-year-old to drink. Exactly.

okay, okay. so maybe it's not a big deal to any of you, but seriously, would you want to buy a car and then proceed to drink the goo that was melted into the pocket of it from only Heaven knows where??

happy through and through

I have often wondered at the endless activities that parents indulge their children in. "They're just so bored," or "They'll drive me crazy if they're at home all day," or "We just have to get out of the house everyday," or, "We just have to have SOMETHING to do everyday," are a few of the many reasons I hear from parents when they talk about their days. Paid-activities or free, structured or not, in or out of the house, I have always felt that a child who is constantly stimulated will never find that inner peace and confidence that only comes from knowing who they are and what they love and what makes them happy as they mature and take steps toward independence.

It's important to have days where there is "nothing to do" so that my children can clear their minds and let their own creative juices flow. Over the last year or two we have gradually weaned our children off of television and movies. We haven't had television service in our home for the last couple of years and I think it is one of the top reasons our family bonds have grown so much stronger. Of course my older children still LOVE to watch a movie, and they do a couple of times a week, but they know now that it's a special treat, and not just a "babysitter" when mom needs to get something done.

There was a time in my life where I did have my children in several activities each week, and the TV was on for several hours of the day (whether they were intently watching it or not) but I began to notice that if my children watched TV first thing in the morning... whether cartoons or a movie or something educational, they were sure to fall apart and have temper tantrums that day... and though that will still happen from time to time, the tantrums were much more frequent on the days they watched TV. So, gradually, I began to wean them from television and movies. Later, I began to wean them from many of the extracurricular activities they were involved in. I had to wean myself too, because as all moms know, social events and activities for children add to the social life of the mother as well... :)

This has allowed for a lot more "play" time. By play time, I don't mean structured activities, on the contrary, this is the undirected time where my children can invent and daydream. They discover what their own interests and talents are... not the popular trends, and they discover an inner peace and joy as they begin to develop their own unique talents. They develop confidence as they discover they can choose to be happy and they can choose to do things that will make them happy, rather than waiting for someone else to come along and entertain them and make them "happy."

At times I have wondered if I am doing the right thing for my children choosing not to indulge them in preschool, music, dance, gymnastics, and other sporting events year-round -- because I do believe those are wonderful, enriching, rewarding activities. But then I remember that motherhood... just being with my children and mothering them, is the highest and noblest of all things a person can ever do. And I find even more comfort and reassurance as I listen to the words of the prophet and general authorities of Christ's church...

"Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy...Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list...Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives...It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice...If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most." - President Deiter F. Uchtdorf

"As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best. Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all...Consider how we use our time in the choices we make in viewing television, playing video games, surfing the Internet, or reading books or magazines. Of course it is good to view wholesome entertainment or to obtain interesting information. But not everything of that sort is worth the portion of our life we give to obtain it. Some things are better, and others are best. When the Lord told us to seek learning, He said, “Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom” (D&C 88:118; emphasis added)...Family experts have warned against what they call “the overscheduling of children.” In the last generation children are far busier and families spend far less time together. Among many measures of this disturbing trend are the reports that structured sports time has doubled, but children’s free time has declined by 12 hours per week, and unstructured outdoor activities have fallen by 50 percent...The First Presidency has called on parents “to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles. … The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place … in … this God-given responsibility.” The First Presidency has declared that “however worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely-appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform.” -Elder Dallin H. Oaks

"Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all." -Julie B. Beck

Today I was reading about what really makes children happy or not, and I was interested in what Edward Hallowell had to say. He's a psychiatrist and author of The Childhood roots of adult happiness. He explains that children need to develop inner tools they can rely on throughout life and that over-indulged children -- whether showered with toys or shielded from emotional discomfort -- are more likely to grow into teenagers who are bored, cynical, and joyless. "The best predictors of happiness are internal, not external."

Though it's very difficult to not follow the trends of today's society and to not be a part of all of the social events happening around me, I am happy that I have chosen to allow my children the time to be home...to play and imagine with their toys...to create and dream and find joy in who they are and what they love about life. I know they are building a sure foundation that will not fail them as friends or popularity comes and goes throughout their lives. I see joy, contentment, confidence and peace in their lives, and I know their happiness comes from within and is lasting rather than fleeting with each activity. And though we are not free from tantrums, tears and trials... we are growing stronger each day individually and thus, as a family as we have chosen to spend more time learning, growing and playing together rather than apart.

my angel

did you know i have an angel?

she's the sunshine in my darkest hour.

this is for her:

THREE! it's the magic number!

On our way home from swimming lessons today, Ethan was telling about some guy with horns who was a bad guy with "Dark" Vader as he calls him... but "Dark Vader doesn't have horns..." and then something about cutting off hands... and then he gave him the sword...

I'm thinking to myself... HAS THIS KID SEEN THE MOVIE?!! GREAT! who showed him the movie?? he wouldn't just think those things up on his own... that's too coincidental...

Hey Ethan, have you seen that movie before with Darth Vader?

NO. Just dad's that he showed me on the computer...

and i remember that Larry told me he showed him a scene with the light sabers...

but really, cutting off hands? Great. Thanks, babe.

so i decide to change the subject...

Hey, Ethan! Are you so excited for your batman birthday party?

but I just don't want to be four because I like being three.

Being 4 could be lots of fun, Ethan.

But I just like being a little boy.

Well, you'll still be a little boy when you're four... you won't be as big as Catherine or as me or daddy...

But I just don't want to be 4

Okay, that's fine. you don't have to have a birthday

WELL... (the NOTORIOUS negotiator shines again...)

I just want to have a three again and again and again...

(aka: I still want to party! I just want to celebrate my third birthday over and over again)

E: Let's give them a bear with a 3 on it...

Me: Oh, give your friends an invitation with a 3 on it so that they know you're still three?

E: but they'll say, you can't be 3 still... and I'll tell them, yes I can because I like being 3

So, tell the Stevens when we go there that I'm still 3